Your most important tool: Communication

Many people think all hope is lost when it comes to dating and meeting new people through their screen. But it’s not! In fact, we can still navigate technology well, be true to ourselves and God, and meet great people. We just need the correct tools to do it.

But what does this actually look like? And, what are these tools?

Before we get into the practical tips, I want to first say one thing: You control technology, technology does not control you. What do I mean by that? I mean you set the rules. You decide if you want to respond, how you want to respond, and what communication looks like. Just because someone is firing off rapid texts, or professing their love paragraph after paragraph, you don’t have to do anything. It’s your life, you set the rules, and you decide what healthy boundaries look like for you.

Which brings me back to the most important tool you have in your tool belt when it comes to dating: communication.

When communicating through a screen, it can feel pretty easy to say some things we wouldn’t necessarily feel comfortable saying in person. Our phones feel like an invisible force field protecting us from the facial expressions of the person on the receiving end. It’s as if the screen gives us the super power of boldness. If only we were that bold and direct in person, right?!

But that’s where we get ourselves into trouble. If you wouldn’t say it in person, then don’t say it over text. Real relationships live in real time and part of developing real relationships involves developing the trust to have the uncomfortable, awkward, and even vulnerable conversations face to face. If you’re only having the gut level honest conversations through your phone, that’s not a relationship – it’s a pen pal.

There’s always going to be a level of get-to-know-you virtual exchange when we first meet someone. That’s both okay and normal. But at some point, you have to move those offline conversations into real time. Which means one of you will have to be both clear and direct in initiating that. Don’t assume it will just happen. Use your communication skills to say you’d love to connect in person and see if this online chemistry stands the test of daily life. And if the person says they don’t have time to meet up – they’re lying. We all have time for the things we’re interested in, regardless of how busy we are. What this person is communicating to you is that you are not important enough to make time for. In this case, I would encourage you to place strong boundaries around your text interactions.  

Specifically, if they try to engage in personal topics over text after you ask to meet up, your reply should simply be, “I’m happy to talk about this in person.” Trust me, I get it. It’s hard to not engage in text exchanges of a personal nature when your mind is spinning with comebacks, or you’ve already invested a certain level of relational capital and you think you might really like this person. Your heart wants to respond.

But you’re looking for a real relationship, right? So don’t waste your time pouring your heart out to someone through your phone who you will never meet in person.

 When you commit to face-to-face conversations, you are also committing to growing in your trust in the person. Trust that you can be honest with them and they won’t shy away, ignore you, or leave. The truth is that learning to have healthy dialogue takes time and intention.

 With something that important, wouldn’t you want to do that in person?